You may not know this about me, but I have a superpower. I can sleep anywhere at any time. I’m telling you I have slept during funerals, (in-between the important respectful stuff) on trains, in chairs, on floors, resting my head on a table, at parties, in loud rooms full of strangers, in cafeterias. I can sleep anywhere for long periods of time.
Some people in my life have thought this to be strange, or at times even rude. But the fact is, when I need sleep, I have the ability to put everything around me aside, noise and stress included, and sleep.
I was sitting in the sunroom at Kingston General Hospital this morning. This is now like my living room, bedroom and kitchen all rolled into one. I spend so much time here that I feel angry when someone is sitting in my chair or being loud. It is a space that I sleep in daily. Anyway, I had a moment of realization. I have this superpower, because of this moment. It is an ability I need in order to be an effective parent to my little one. I need to be able to sleep in the sunroom or in the cafeteria, because my son needs me to be here. And I started thinking about other experiences in my life and how in retrospect they have been tailored to prepare me for this day.
As a child I spent a fair bit of time visiting doctors and specialists due to health issues. I saw doctors at Sick Children’s hospital in Toronto. I took medications. I had many vials of blood taken. That experience makes being around doctors and specialists almost expected – or normal. It gives me a certain comfort level with all the poking and prodding that my son experiences. I call upon that experience and I recall the questions my mother would ask the doctors and I ask similar questions. I know what it is a child needs while in hospital and what is comforting, because I remember what I needed when visiting doctors and having inexplicable time losses that were frightening. I know how to lay a soothing hand on my son and when to do it.
My financial struggle prepared me for this. I know how to live on little, and I had the common sense to start saving for my son’s arrival. Henning and I worked very hard to ensure that we would be able to have me at home as long as possible with our child. We have been able to survive with assistance from friends because we learned many financial lessons the hard way before we got here. So unknowingly we prepared ourselves for this experience.
Speaking of friends, there have been many times in my life where my mother has questioned my ‘need’ to drop everything to help someone. She has wondered how I manage to support others by listening, helping to solve problems, or lending a helping hand even if doing so was detrimental to my own daily life. These experiences have been vital because our friends have been our saviours during this time in our lives. We have been prepared to accept help, because we learned to give. Now while I am in the NICU I try to give something to someone every day, an encouraging word to parents new to the NICU, a hug to a mother having a breakdown upon finding out her child is sicker than yesterday, a big thank you to the nurses that demonstrate such empathy and skill. This practice gives me strength.
As I sit in the sunroom and take account of all the major events in my life I can see how they have led me to be prepared for this moment. Dealing with relationship crises has taught me how to be gentle with Henning as we are both experiencing the same stress. I have learned to clearly state how I am feeling and to take time to ask for an update from my partner so we are on the same page. Learning how to cope with anxiety issues throughout my life have prepared me to handle the stress of an ill child.
That’s not to say I don’t have my breakdowns – but I have learned through experience and previous counselling that it is okay to have them, healthy in fact. I have learned to admit it when I’m not coping well.
My experiences as a child taught me to celebrate my own strengths and differences. I know how it feels to be different, and to be treated differently. I believe this has prepared me to both advocate for my son and celebrate each of his successes. At best, for the first few years he will be on a different timetable for developmental milestones. Should he need assistance socially or in terms of academics in school, my life experience, my professional experience and my education will all be invaluable tools.
I am a planner. I am a scheduler. I am in awe of the plan that has been laid out for me. This has truly been an intricate web of experiences, lessons and happenings that have led me to be this person at this time, with these strengths, with these people in my life. I can see how my smallest skill can be applied. I can see how every person I’ve met (including my OAC writer’s craft teacher who volunteers here at KGH and offers positive words every day, and who has welcomed me into his home for tea – thank you Mr. Kaufman for being a part of my past that has helped me realize my future) has been a source of strength. I sit before the plan that has been revealed to me and I am humbled and I have faith.
I think of all the times that I’ve thrown my hands up into the air and berated the universe for giving me such trouble. I’ve spent many quiet moments in desperation questioning “Really?” “Seriously, this is your plan?” I have railed against what I’ve thought has been ‘too much’ for me to handle. I see that it all has been exactly what I have needed.
Amazing grace.
