This would be the best word to describe the long battle I have fought with my own expectations for achieving 'adulthood'.
One would think that having a child would automatically thrust you into the world of adulthood. However, just because you live in adulthood - it doesn't mean you are ready to own land there. It could mean that like me, you are merely faking it, hanging out in a rental unit if you will.
You see, I often feel like I am just a teenager who got tired of being one. And, although I was a rather dedicated teenager who held a job and got good grades - in terms of wisdom in my own life I have been rather slow to achieve. So, now, I think that I think like my teenage self, but I am just too exhausted to carry out the ill-conceived ideas that could spiral me into a rather deep spiky pit.
Or result in my daily life resembling the themes of a LOST episode.
As of today, I am consumer debt free. The concrete that once held my feet firmly in place renting in adultland, has been chipped away. I can move, I can fully participate. And, the last reminder of previous errors in judgement in all aspects of my life is gone. I have paid (literally) for my sins and in some cases the sins of others. So now, I get to own adulthood.
One would think that I would be feeling like throwing some sort of party - I have been paying this off for over 10 years. This has been my flaw, my battle, the thing partially responsible for bouts of low self-esteem and self-doubt. But instead, I find myself looking up advice. Why? Because in order to keep my place in the community of 'adulthood' and thereby earn the title of 'responsible' I must now consider the future.
And that, my friends, is scary business.
Here in the 'hood one has to prepare for the future. One needs to make good investment choices and have one's money work for them. Apparently, according to scotiabank I have more money than I think I do...I'm richer than I think. That type of thinking got me in trouble in the first place. Now I find myself holding all financial advice suspect. I have one friend who keeps telling me that I have an irrational fear of debt (even debt like owning a house). I have another who is brilliant with money who I would gladly just hand over all my money management woes to and let her work it out - but then I really wouldn't be able to keep my place in adulthood. My oldest friend told me that I could qualify to get therapy because of my anxiety over the possibility of buying a new car, just to have it get damaged. (You see the nicer my car is the faster terrible things happen to it - most of you know about my poor car karma - I have no idea what I did in a previous life, but I am sorry...so so sorry.)
When I was nine or ten years old I was in Junior Firefighter Camp. The coolest things about JFC was that we got to cut up a car with firefighter tools, and we got to leap from a slightly raised firetruck ladder into the round trampoline like bulls eye held up by firefighters. All session you prepare yourself for this task. Then, you wait in line for what seems like an eternity. Your turn. You climb the ladder in anticipation - similar to the climb up the first hill of a roller coaster. You know logically that it will all be finished in a moment, you want to revel in the experience. I got to the end of the ladder and could not jump. I had been waiting for this experience since the beginning of camp, and despite all the encouragement and tips from the experts below holding the bulls eye; despite being safe and prepared, I could not jump. In fact they had to send a fireman up to remove me from the ladder because I couldn't even go back the way I came. I froze.
I am reminded of some lyrics from the musical Wicked:
Something has changed within me.
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the,
rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second chances.
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
close my eyes and leap...
So where does this pontificating leave me? What is the purpose of this analysis of fulfilling my own expectations?
Perhaps it is simply this: I need to make an appointment at the bank. I need to find out how to best meet my goals in adulthood. I need to trust that my goals are in fact good. And, I need to remember that even if I have to be carried back a step or two or re-evaluate my commitment to a goal, I'll get there eventually. And damn it universe - at some point, I am going to get a new car.
Look out 'adulthood' - I am so building myself a playground.
