I'm Not What I Seem To Me

I’ve had a strange realization today. All in all I think it is a positive one. I spend a lot of time thinking about the qualities that other people possess that I would like to possess. These qualities could be physical, intelligence related, social or moral. Most of the people in my life possess something that I lack. In many cases I have longed to have some of their qualities.

I might crave the charisma of one of my friends. Her ability to be the centre of attention in any social situation, the way that people are drawn to her is something that I have always wanted. I have one friend who is a complete free spirit. She is brave, travels and always tries new things. The ability to have an adventure is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve had adventures, but not because I’ve decided to have them. I envy those of my friends with fashion sense. I love the strength that many of my friends possess. I love their ability to be witty, to realize opportunity, or to have complete faith in something. The sheer determination of one of my friends astounds me on a regular basis.

I have always spent a lot of time wanting to be other people. I think this is why I love theatre and larp as much as I do. I love the idea of being able to try on some of the aspects that I would sincerely love to possess naturally. I’ve always loved costumes. When I went for my teaching interview I dressed the part of a homely English teacher. I’ve been a rebellious Goth, a studious prep and I’ve even tried to embody the costume of an environmentalist with a guitar. I still am not very good at the guitar. I’ve dressed like Dana Scully from x-files because I wanted to be her. Now I have my eye on Jennifer Carpenter because so many people say I look like her.
What I have realized today is that while I am busy looking at all the attributes that I wish I possessed, someone is looking at me thinking the same thing. There are people who learn from me and consider me to be wise.

This past weekend I discovered that the way I see myself is not the way that other people see me. I see myself as conservative and kind of boring. Other people see me as anything but conservative. In the past week or so I have had several people refer to me as intense. They don’t mean it in the negative way...at least I don’t think they do. I think I can handle intense. And tonight a friend of mine while giving a speech referred to me as someone who she would like to be like. I was astounded. Seriously? There are people who want to be like me.

The next time I have a low self-confidence day I’m going to think about the fact that somewhere out there, someone is thinking that they would like to possess some of the qualities I possess...crazy.
Gosh darn it, people like me.