I was blind, but now, I see

You may not know this about me, but I have a superpower. I can sleep anywhere at any time. I’m telling you I have slept during funerals, (in-between the important respectful stuff) on trains, in chairs, on floors, resting my head on a table, at parties, in loud rooms full of strangers, in cafeterias. I can sleep anywhere for long periods of time.

Some people in my life have thought this to be strange, or at times even rude. But the fact is, when I need sleep, I have the ability to put everything around me aside, noise and stress included, and sleep.

I was sitting in the sunroom at Kingston General Hospital this morning. This is now like my living room, bedroom and kitchen all rolled into one. I spend so much time here that I feel angry when someone is sitting in my chair or being loud. It is a space that I sleep in daily. Anyway, I had a moment of realization. I have this superpower, because of this moment. It is an ability I need in order to be an effective parent to my little one. I need to be able to sleep in the sunroom or in the cafeteria, because my son needs me to be here. And I started thinking about other experiences in my life and how in retrospect they have been tailored to prepare me for this day.

As a child I spent a fair bit of time visiting doctors and specialists due to health issues. I saw doctors at Sick Children’s hospital in Toronto. I took medications. I had many vials of blood taken. That experience makes being around doctors and specialists almost expected – or normal. It gives me a certain comfort level with all the poking and prodding that my son experiences. I call upon that experience and I recall the questions my mother would ask the doctors and I ask similar questions. I know what it is a child needs while in hospital and what is comforting, because I remember what I needed when visiting doctors and having inexplicable time losses that were frightening. I know how to lay a soothing hand on my son and when to do it.

My financial struggle prepared me for this. I know how to live on little, and I had the common sense to start saving for my son’s arrival. Henning and I worked very hard to ensure that we would be able to have me at home as long as possible with our child. We have been able to survive with assistance from friends because we learned many financial lessons the hard way before we got here. So unknowingly we prepared ourselves for this experience.

Speaking of friends, there have been many times in my life where my mother has questioned my ‘need’ to drop everything to help someone. She has wondered how I manage to support others by listening, helping to solve problems, or lending a helping hand even if doing so was detrimental to my own daily life. These experiences have been vital because our friends have been our saviours during this time in our lives. We have been prepared to accept help, because we learned to give. Now while I am in the NICU I try to give something to someone every day, an encouraging word to parents new to the NICU, a hug to a mother having a breakdown upon finding out her child is sicker than yesterday, a big thank you to the nurses that demonstrate such empathy and skill. This practice gives me strength.

As I sit in the sunroom and take account of all the major events in my life I can see how they have led me to be prepared for this moment. Dealing with relationship crises has taught me how to be gentle with Henning as we are both experiencing the same stress. I have learned to clearly state how I am feeling and to take time to ask for an update from my partner so we are on the same page. Learning how to cope with anxiety issues throughout my life have prepared me to handle the stress of an ill child.

That’s not to say I don’t have my breakdowns – but I have learned through experience and previous counselling that it is okay to have them, healthy in fact. I have learned to admit it when I’m not coping well.

My experiences as a child taught me to celebrate my own strengths and differences. I know how it feels to be different, and to be treated differently. I believe this has prepared me to both advocate for my son and celebrate each of his successes. At best, for the first few years he will be on a different timetable for developmental milestones. Should he need assistance socially or in terms of academics in school, my life experience, my professional experience and my education will all be invaluable tools.

I am a planner. I am a scheduler. I am in awe of the plan that has been laid out for me. This has truly been an intricate web of experiences, lessons and happenings that have led me to be this person at this time, with these strengths, with these people in my life. I can see how my smallest skill can be applied. I can see how every person I’ve met (including my OAC writer’s craft teacher who volunteers here at KGH and offers positive words every day, and who has welcomed me into his home for tea – thank you Mr. Kaufman for being a part of my past that has helped me realize my future) has been a source of strength. I sit before the plan that has been revealed to me and I am humbled and I have faith.

I think of all the times that I’ve thrown my hands up into the air and berated the universe for giving me such trouble. I’ve spent many quiet moments in desperation questioning “Really?” “Seriously, this is your plan?” I have railed against what I’ve thought has been ‘too much’ for me to handle. I see that it all has been exactly what I have needed.

Amazing grace.

Everything I Need to Know About Life I learned From Brick-Breaker

I thought about writing a post about my new obsession – brick-breaker. For those of you who don’t know, this is a game that is on my new blackberry. Effectively it is a ‘pong’ style game that involves hitting bricks with a ball until they disappear. It has 34 levels and I have made it to level 9. Once. For someone like me, who has a slightly addictive personality, and loves to constantly be multi-tasking this game is heaven sent. However, given that I am somewhat strangely reflective at times I started thinking about the life lessons you can learn from brick-breaker.

1. You are banging against a brick wall, deal with it.

So the first thing I noticed about brick-breaker is that I lose. A lot. Sometimes I lose for no real reason, earlier in the effort than I planned. Or perhaps I fail on level one when I have been consistently getting at least to level 6 before things get a little out of control. Yet, I keep playing. I might swear a little...but I get right back to it right away. So the lesson I am taking from this, is that I am going to bang my head into a few walls...repeatedly. And no, the course of action is not to go out and buy a helmet. (Thanks to my friends who immediately thought that.) Sometimes I might even bang into the same wall even though I thought I already broke it and knew how to navigate it effectively. So I will treat life’s levelling difficulties the way I would in brick breaker...restart and get a run at it again.

This brings me to the piece of my life this works well with. I am always in a vicious circle of attempted self-improvement. This is mainly in terms of healthy diet and exercise. I do well for about four months, and then I start falling back into old habits. I am inspired by my Brother and Sister – in –law who eat incredibly healthy and are unafraid to try new ways to be healthy. They are the Jedi masters and I am the lowly padawan learner...seriously. And yes, there is always a place for a Star Wars reference. I follow many health oriented blogs and these people seem to be able to manage it. So, I will try this again. I am prepared. Let’s see if I can stick with it long enough to feel the difference. Maybe this time I’ll break through this wall.

2. Don’t take your eye off the ball for other cool stuff that may make getting to your goal faster/easier/cooler.

In brick-breaker, often there are little bonuses that drop down the screen. In order to catch the bonuses, like laser-beams or slow-downs you run the risk of dropping the ball. I have to tell you, unless it is right there; don’t take your eye off of the goal for anything. You are liable to lose your ball and then, then...well see number 1.

This means that if I am going to embrace this healthier lifestyle, I need to have it be my main focus. I can’t try to ‘do too much’ I need to go at it slowly and methodically. I should approach everything in this manner.

3. Getting to the next level is awesome...but don’t get too excited or you aim your ball in the wrong direction without focus.

Well, you know where this leads...see 1. But seriously, it is awesome when things are going well, but if I forget and get a little bit ahead of myself then I might not be using my resources effectively. I might not be navigating the challenges as efficiently as I could.This means that when I reach a goal, I can’t spend too much time focused on that...I need to revamp my plan for the next goal. I need to do that with care and precision.

I know there is more that can be gleaned from the brick-breaker phenomenon. I’m sure I could specifically reference the structure of life’s struggles and the structure of various levels in the game. But then one might be concerned about my sanity. I would rather keep you all guessing than prove to you that I am slightly unbalanced. Or I would rather you let me have my illusion that you don’t already know.
In any case, here is my plan for this week. I am going to eat healthy, sleep well and get in some exercise.

And get to level 10...at least level 10 – if the cat can stop knocking my elbows.

Of Love and Vampires - Sucking the 'real' out of relationships

I have not dropped off of the face of the planet, I just have not had a recent epiphany that has been worthy of immortalization on the internet. However, I know that I check my reading list several times a day to see if anyone has posted anything interesting. When people are not posting I am almost irritated with them for not contributing to my personal growth or sheer entertainment. So when thinking along those lines I realize that there might be some people out there who are irritated with my failure to communicate and analyse my daily adventures. I can’t promise a great overall theme or thought today, but hey, at least it is something to read.

I went with a friend and her cousins to see a movie last night. Yes it was that horrible pop-culture vampire tripe that every tween is obsessing over. It was a lot better than the first one. And, I have to admit that there were parts of it that were good. However, in the last few hours I have been deconstructing the flick in my head and I think I have a few problems with it. I think this is exactly NOT the story we want our young women reading. I don’t say this because of the over-riding metaphor for sexual awakening, or because the dark supernatural elements offend my religious convictions (ha!) but because it is yet another story that sets our young girls on the wrong pathway about relationships and what a man should be.
If you read this series of books, or watch the films you will see that this teen relationship has a series of problems. It is incredibly intense because of the ‘trouble’ that surrounds this relationship. We are teaching our young girls that a real relationship is dangerous; that these relationships should be impossible in order to be fulfilling. Our girls will expect the dramatic gaze and the strong yet brooding protector. Our girls are being told that relationships should be hard and painful and at the end of it all you will get what you want. The more trouble it is, the better it is, and all you have to do is suffer though the angst and the guessing...and the guy leaving you because he is so...conflicted. Eventually if you suffer long enough the two of you will be together. (Yes I understand that this is a common plot and without these complications there would be no story and therefore no entertainment.)

Men/boys are not like this. Let me tell you that the opposite is true. A relationship that is dangerous is just that...dangerous. A boy/man that treats you badly for any reason...just treats you badly. A person who can’t give you everything you want or need in a relationship is just that. Suffering through it will not result in a fairytale ending. He will not change. If he leaves you...then he doesn’t want to be with you, or he has made the choice for some reason and you deserve better than that. Giant romantic gestures are gestures. They are not always indicative of actual love. Sometimes they are just indicative of someone wanting it to ‘look’ like love. All surface.

Now, to give you all some hope and so that you don’t think I am just jaded and don’t believe in romance I will tell you what the reality of a good relationship is. He is considerate. He is passionate about what he believes in, and he believes that you can do anything. He works with you, supports you in all you do. You are part of a team, not a secondary player in your own life. He brings home a purple fuzzy bunny because you like purple fuzzy things. He levels your WOW character while you are at work. Your relationship is equal parts him and you. He listens and can make breakfast out and a newspaper as romantic as a weekend away or flower petal pathways. I’m not saying that typical romantic gestures are not appreciated ...but they should not be expected – nor should they be overused. You do not NEED him to save you...but it sure is nice that he can carry heavy stuff. You may find yourself breathless with laughter, or love, but you won’t find yourself breathless because of the painful thing he just said. Here is the biggest point people: He is a part of your life, but he does not dominate your entire existence. You are able to be you, to have your interests, friends, likes and dislikes. I always like to think of it like you have two lives that merge well together. I feel like the women or young girls in these books focus so thoroughly on the guy and being with the guy, no matter what the odds, that these girls have nothing else. They are only the girlfriend or love interest of said leading man.

I am the lead in my own life. I am ecstatic to have found in my partner a leading man in his life. I’m glad that we get to be in the same movie together. I am also equally glad we don’t have the complications of vampiric family or werewolf friends with crushes on either of us. To those of you who have figured out the secret to the reality of relationships tell someone. To those who are waiting to find their co-star: Live your life for you, enjoy all you do – be adventurous. People who have the leading role in their own lives are not lonely people. They are fulfilled people. My mother always told me that you find who you are going to be with when you are not looking. It is a struggle to really understand that and stop making the story of your life about searching for someone else. I would suggest that once you have mastered that, the rest just falls into place.

Boxes

It has been awhile since I posted. One could assume that my life has been going fairly smoothly and I have not learned any major life lessons. It seems I only really post here when I have recently had some sort of epiphany. I don’t think I’ve had a major one lately. This might mean that I have somehow overcome a portion of my insanity. I do feel more in control than I have in awhile. Yet I have noticed that the strangest things send me into the beginnings of anxiety. Perhaps this just means that I’m not learning anything and I am in fact at a standstill in terms of personal revelations. Is that good or bad?

I am having this uncontrollable urge to try and keep my house very organized. Of course, I have accepted that I am simply not a neat or minimalist type of person. I can try to keep things organized and neat but I fail miserably every time. I attribute my failure to simply possessing too much stuff. I come by that honestly. My paternal grandmother was a hoarder. I can remember weaving my way through towers of boxed up crap. Anytime we left my grandmother’s house she would give us a bag of candy. Usually it had been around so long that we had never heard of the type of candy it was. As soon as we were out of visible range, my mother would take the candy from us. I figure that saved our lives on several occasions. Anyway, I keep stuff. I don’t keep food. But I keep a lot of things in case I need them. As a teacher, I have many things I ‘might’ need like weird odds and ends or old lessons from when I first started my career. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t use a lot of that material now. Furthermore, I’ve discovered that my skills are honed enough that I don’t need the binders upon binders of materials. I guess after ten years of working in education I’ve got it figured out. So the twenty or so boxes of school stuff I might need in the basement...I might not ever need. But I’m keeping them anyway. Besides they are a marker of change, or an ever-present reminder of my accomplishments. They are artifacts.

I suppose all of the superfluous things I keep do tell a story of sorts. My school materials trace my development and travels in education. I started as an English teacher when I really wanted to be a history teacher. Then I took a wild side trip through music, communications technology, film and finally student success. I’ve discovered some talents I didn’t know I had. Also, I discovered that there are alternative jobs out there that I would also enjoy if I were to ever win the lottery. Film school would be an incredible experience. Other random things I have kept define my love of popular culture of days past. I have a massive Star Wars collection. I have a few valuable pieces but overall most of it is really the stuff you see at flea market tables. Oh incidentally, that person standing there buying the death star pen is me. Add that one to the boxes. I have Rubbermaid containers that house my dolls and stuffed animals from my past. I sometimes think that I keep them for my children. However, I am almost 34 and unmarried (although one could call me common-law). I don’t really see children in my future anymore. So why am I keeping this story of my past?
I find it distressing to think that all this ‘stuff’ defines me. It would mean I really am a product of a materialistic society and I myself would be *gasp* materialistic. I don’t want to be that. But perhaps that is another aspect of who I am that I need to accept.

Most recently an old friend of mine was able to get a job here at the same school I work at. I’m excited to have him here. In this rural isolated area it is nice to have people around who you can hang out with. It is especially cool because this is someone I’ve known for a long time. We are the type of friends that can be out of contact for a long time, but when we do get to talk or hang out, not a lot has changed. We lived together in college and I would say he was one of the first people to define my new “family”. In the last 10 years of my life or so I have met a variety of people who I would define as closer than friends. These are the people who would offer to drive an hour and a half to pick up Henning and then drive him another two and a half hours so that he could be with me during a crisis. These are the people who have offered to help us look after our future children if we have the flu. These are the people who helped me procure a loan so that I didn’t lose my car. They have fed Henning when he was out of work, taught me skills I was lacking and have made us feel secure when we are far away from a safety net. This particular friend has held my hair back when I have had far too much to drink, taken me to the hospital, looked after me when I’ve been ill, and made me laugh when I desperately needed to. I can remember the two of us living on hotdogs, rice and Swiss- chalet sauce.

So of course, because this friend of mine will be living with us for the next few months I am reorganizing and reflecting on old times. This is what has led to the reflection on all the stuff I have boxed up in the basement. I am asking myself, do I really need to keep all of this? But then I think to myself, it isn’t just me who might need it.

I don’t think I have a great revelation to wrap up this entry. I’m sure that I could draw connections between the important things I keep in the basement and the important friends who I may not see all that often, but who I need. I hope that some people have me boxed up in their basement and that when they need to; they open the box and invite me back into life, even if it is just for a little while. I hope that I am a difficult item to give away, or throw out. I hope that I am defined more by whose basements I inhabit then by what material items I keep in mine. I’m not ready to clean out my basement. In fact, I hope to fill it with boxes.

I'm Not What I Seem To Me

I’ve had a strange realization today. All in all I think it is a positive one. I spend a lot of time thinking about the qualities that other people possess that I would like to possess. These qualities could be physical, intelligence related, social or moral. Most of the people in my life possess something that I lack. In many cases I have longed to have some of their qualities.

I might crave the charisma of one of my friends. Her ability to be the centre of attention in any social situation, the way that people are drawn to her is something that I have always wanted. I have one friend who is a complete free spirit. She is brave, travels and always tries new things. The ability to have an adventure is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve had adventures, but not because I’ve decided to have them. I envy those of my friends with fashion sense. I love the strength that many of my friends possess. I love their ability to be witty, to realize opportunity, or to have complete faith in something. The sheer determination of one of my friends astounds me on a regular basis.

I have always spent a lot of time wanting to be other people. I think this is why I love theatre and larp as much as I do. I love the idea of being able to try on some of the aspects that I would sincerely love to possess naturally. I’ve always loved costumes. When I went for my teaching interview I dressed the part of a homely English teacher. I’ve been a rebellious Goth, a studious prep and I’ve even tried to embody the costume of an environmentalist with a guitar. I still am not very good at the guitar. I’ve dressed like Dana Scully from x-files because I wanted to be her. Now I have my eye on Jennifer Carpenter because so many people say I look like her.
What I have realized today is that while I am busy looking at all the attributes that I wish I possessed, someone is looking at me thinking the same thing. There are people who learn from me and consider me to be wise.

This past weekend I discovered that the way I see myself is not the way that other people see me. I see myself as conservative and kind of boring. Other people see me as anything but conservative. In the past week or so I have had several people refer to me as intense. They don’t mean it in the negative way...at least I don’t think they do. I think I can handle intense. And tonight a friend of mine while giving a speech referred to me as someone who she would like to be like. I was astounded. Seriously? There are people who want to be like me.

The next time I have a low self-confidence day I’m going to think about the fact that somewhere out there, someone is thinking that they would like to possess some of the qualities I possess...crazy.
Gosh darn it, people like me.

Excitement and Old Friends

So, the Gods have smiled down upon me. Or Henning and I are very lucky to have a good friend with lots of connections and talent. Henning and I are heading to the Blue skies Music Festival near Sharbot Lake. We have a house sitter and a cat sitter and all is right with the world.

There are several reasons why going to Blue Skies is exciting. I was first introduced to Blue Skies about six or seven years ago. Basically I’ve been attending since Henning and I started dating. So it is kind of one of our ‘things’. Also, our friends Alison and Angie introduced us to the fabulous people who work security at Blue Skies. Then we started volunteering as security backup people. Basically we would cook and keep the security site clean and organized. We would make sure that security people were fed and watered at appropriate intervals. There is constant music, friendly people, interesting people, great conversation and wonderful experiences. It is awesome.

Last year we didn’t get to go because we had an overabundance of weddings and we couldn’t afford to spend money on an expensive weekend. We still can’t. But we really haven’t done anything spectacular this summer and we both love this event. So, not making as large of payments on our credit cards seems worth it. Anyway, many of the people who we love to see, we have not seen in about two years. Sadly, one of our important friends is not able to attend. But we will be able to visit with everyone else. People have gotten engaged and married...people have bought houses...people have moved to different countries or provinces and then come back...people have gone on grand trips. People have changed careers, and added to their families. I am so excited to catch up.

Recently I also discovered that a long lost friend from my childhood will also be at Blue Skies. I feel like it is Christmas I am so excited. I think the last time I saw this woman, we were still under 18. I am somewhat worried that I will not be able to find her. But so far, things have gone really well in the planning and packing for this event so I am going to send out the positive thoughts that I will run into her.
*sigh*. I can’t wait. I am seriously like a kid on Christmas Eve.

Empowerment, Illusion and Reality

or: My Money and Me.


First of all I may have broken though my unmotivated funk! Last night I decided to stop worrying about the fact that I have been largely unproductive. I embraced my insomnia, didn’t panic and managed to use the time between 11pm and 3:30am to my advantage. I paid bills and budgeted last night. And, I have been thinking about money ever since. I haven’t been worrying about it. The second I started getting upset by my money I told myself to stop, and look. Everything is getting paid = victory, not a reason to be depressed.

Right now I am watching Gilmore Girls reruns. This is part of my summer afternoon routine. Gilmore Girls followed by Charmed and then I hit the sad and predictable soap opera circuit until Dr. Phil. It is today’s Gilmore Girls episode that has inspired my post today. I noticed that the main characters, Lorelai Gilmore and her Daughter Rory eat take out every single night. In fact, they never cook. They mention that they don’t use the kitchen for anything other than coffee regularly. The thing I am wondering is...how on earth does a single mother who manages a local inn afford to feed herself and her daughter though take-out and local diners for every meal? Not to mention, I love to eat out, but even I find that eating out for every mean over a weekend becomes tiring and I long for something made at little expense in my own kitchen. Sometimes I crave food that is not mass produced by people making a little over minimum wage. I know that media depicts a non-reality. However, this affects me profoundly when I have just recently budgeted.

My friend Evie budgeted me about two years ago and the results were amazing. When I stuck to it I felt free. I had a piece of paper that I kept track of all my spending on. Everything was in categories. It was a challenge. Being competitive by nature, I adore something that challenges me. I love it when I can enter my numbers into the computer and see what is going on. This is why I was so successful using weight watchers online. Their online system of tracking empowers me. Anyway, when Evie budgeted me I was able to pay everything and know I had money left over for debt reduction. I developed a very keen sense of how my money worked and how much I could afford to pay for groceries and eventually I naturally was able to live within my means. It was like training. Training that I had somehow missed while I was at university or when I was working two jobs in high school. I still wonder where all that money went. I didn’t buy a car; I didn’t save it to pay for school. I just spent it randomly, in the name of instant gratification. Until the last three or four years I always had a closet full of crap on sale. Every weekend I went to Kingston I shopped and spent money on things I liked but really didn’t need.

When Henning moved in and then we moved our money situation went into a weird flux. I had to adjust for feeding someone else. Our rent and expenses went up when we moved into the place we are now. I relaxed the grip and figured that it would take a little while for the numbers to solidify so that I could reconfigure the budget. Henning got a job and we lived for awhile under the idea that Henning’s money was the “fun money”. This worked for awhile until Henning’s work slowed and we went about three months without consistent pay. This resulted in us living beyond our means a bit. Now it has been a year. We got a little bit behind and it has taken us two months to catch up. Last night I successfully budgeted us out for the next few months.

The verdict: If I am diligent and stick to my plan I should be able to pay off all debt with the exception of the end of my Canada student loan before April of 2010. I actually look at the budget and wonder how I manage to run out of money each month. What on earth have I been spending money on? My guess is magazines and treats, pop, buying crap at the convenience store. Anyway, the point is, I can be successful at this and then, I could go on a vacation, or buy a house, or a new car. The stress of debt would be gone. I know that it is doable; I just have to see it as a competition.

I often worry about the fact that I haven’t really graduated into my parent’s ideal of adulthood. Although I am proud of aspects of my life there are others where I often feel I have failed miserably. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a bit of a late bloomer. I learn adult style lessons later than I should. However, when I watch television I realize that the ideal is very inaccurate. As an educated person I should already know this. I guess the balance for the unrealistic portrayal of money in a show like Gilmore Girls are shows like Till Debt Do Us Part. I am always astounded at how people get hundreds of thousand dollars in debt not including their mortgage. Then they think it is okay to go further into debt for another trendy vehicle. I don’t understand how people manage to live their lives like that. I would be in a constant state of upset, anxiety and generalized unhappiness. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is...at least I’m not as bad as some of the people I see on TV. Really, I have it under control.

Although, I am often told that control is an illusion. I think I want to keep my current illusion of my empowered reality - At least for today.