Empowerment, Illusion and Reality

or: My Money and Me.


First of all I may have broken though my unmotivated funk! Last night I decided to stop worrying about the fact that I have been largely unproductive. I embraced my insomnia, didn’t panic and managed to use the time between 11pm and 3:30am to my advantage. I paid bills and budgeted last night. And, I have been thinking about money ever since. I haven’t been worrying about it. The second I started getting upset by my money I told myself to stop, and look. Everything is getting paid = victory, not a reason to be depressed.

Right now I am watching Gilmore Girls reruns. This is part of my summer afternoon routine. Gilmore Girls followed by Charmed and then I hit the sad and predictable soap opera circuit until Dr. Phil. It is today’s Gilmore Girls episode that has inspired my post today. I noticed that the main characters, Lorelai Gilmore and her Daughter Rory eat take out every single night. In fact, they never cook. They mention that they don’t use the kitchen for anything other than coffee regularly. The thing I am wondering is...how on earth does a single mother who manages a local inn afford to feed herself and her daughter though take-out and local diners for every meal? Not to mention, I love to eat out, but even I find that eating out for every mean over a weekend becomes tiring and I long for something made at little expense in my own kitchen. Sometimes I crave food that is not mass produced by people making a little over minimum wage. I know that media depicts a non-reality. However, this affects me profoundly when I have just recently budgeted.

My friend Evie budgeted me about two years ago and the results were amazing. When I stuck to it I felt free. I had a piece of paper that I kept track of all my spending on. Everything was in categories. It was a challenge. Being competitive by nature, I adore something that challenges me. I love it when I can enter my numbers into the computer and see what is going on. This is why I was so successful using weight watchers online. Their online system of tracking empowers me. Anyway, when Evie budgeted me I was able to pay everything and know I had money left over for debt reduction. I developed a very keen sense of how my money worked and how much I could afford to pay for groceries and eventually I naturally was able to live within my means. It was like training. Training that I had somehow missed while I was at university or when I was working two jobs in high school. I still wonder where all that money went. I didn’t buy a car; I didn’t save it to pay for school. I just spent it randomly, in the name of instant gratification. Until the last three or four years I always had a closet full of crap on sale. Every weekend I went to Kingston I shopped and spent money on things I liked but really didn’t need.

When Henning moved in and then we moved our money situation went into a weird flux. I had to adjust for feeding someone else. Our rent and expenses went up when we moved into the place we are now. I relaxed the grip and figured that it would take a little while for the numbers to solidify so that I could reconfigure the budget. Henning got a job and we lived for awhile under the idea that Henning’s money was the “fun money”. This worked for awhile until Henning’s work slowed and we went about three months without consistent pay. This resulted in us living beyond our means a bit. Now it has been a year. We got a little bit behind and it has taken us two months to catch up. Last night I successfully budgeted us out for the next few months.

The verdict: If I am diligent and stick to my plan I should be able to pay off all debt with the exception of the end of my Canada student loan before April of 2010. I actually look at the budget and wonder how I manage to run out of money each month. What on earth have I been spending money on? My guess is magazines and treats, pop, buying crap at the convenience store. Anyway, the point is, I can be successful at this and then, I could go on a vacation, or buy a house, or a new car. The stress of debt would be gone. I know that it is doable; I just have to see it as a competition.

I often worry about the fact that I haven’t really graduated into my parent’s ideal of adulthood. Although I am proud of aspects of my life there are others where I often feel I have failed miserably. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a bit of a late bloomer. I learn adult style lessons later than I should. However, when I watch television I realize that the ideal is very inaccurate. As an educated person I should already know this. I guess the balance for the unrealistic portrayal of money in a show like Gilmore Girls are shows like Till Debt Do Us Part. I am always astounded at how people get hundreds of thousand dollars in debt not including their mortgage. Then they think it is okay to go further into debt for another trendy vehicle. I don’t understand how people manage to live their lives like that. I would be in a constant state of upset, anxiety and generalized unhappiness. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is...at least I’m not as bad as some of the people I see on TV. Really, I have it under control.

Although, I am often told that control is an illusion. I think I want to keep my current illusion of my empowered reality - At least for today.