Confessions of a Crazy Person

I don’t deal well with stress apparently. But at the same time I think I just do it to myself. Yet I can’t seem to stop. Around October of this past school year I started having bizarre health issues. My eyes get all crazy bloodshot and I get horrendous headaches that last until I sleep a day away, I have strange tight chest, difficult to breathe, heart pounding type of situations. The first time the latter happened I thought maybe it was just worry or anxiety. Apparently this was the right guess. The second time it happened I ended up in the hospital all hooked up to various machines. This resulted in some tests and well, it looks like I don’t have a heart condition but in fact I am an anxiety fiend.
So I have taken some steps to help myself. I have a regular workout routine that I have been sticking with. For awhile I cut out all caffeine and stimulants. I’ve tried eating healthier, yoga etc. However, the fact remains that while on my summer vacation I am still feeling some anxiety.

For example, there are some things I need to do for work. I really need to do them. But I can’t seem to get up off my butt to do it. I sort of spend my day lazing around and thinking about the stuff I have to do, making a plan, and then not doing it. This isn’t just regular laziness either...it’s like a strange mental block. I just can’t do. The longer this goes on, the worse it gets. Every day I get up and think that I will accomplish some of what I have to do. Then I don’t...then I stress, then my heart starts to pound...and I sleep for a good four hours. And I get mean - probably because I feel badly about the fact that I’m not productive.
This is the other recent problem. I don’t sleep well. I can only sleep in three or four hour bursts. And it seems that I can only sleep well during the day. I don’t have a lot of interest in anything. I feel bored, yet there is nothing specific I want to do. I feel apathy, but at the same time wish I didn’t. I get frustrated with not doing anything, yet..I’m not motivated to do anything.

Short of being committed I really don’t see a solution in the near future. Time will continue to pass and I will get more stressed out by the day. I am currently finding it frustrating that the word caffeine is being underlined by my spell check. Yet I think that I have spelled it right. I need to get into the school because of a t-shirt ordering fiasco. And that has me so worried I can’t sleep.
Why do I allow myself to be all stressed out? Why do I procrastinate and make it all worse for myself? Why do I continually need to learn these lessons? Grrr. Usually a list makes me feel better. I make a list and then I can cross things off of it. I feel success then I get some of the things done. But right now, I can’t even bring myself to write a list. There is something smelly in my kitchen and I looked for it. I can’t figure out where it is coming from so I’ve given up. The smell in the kitchen is stressing me out.

I was wondering if I need some sort of medical/institutional intervention so I looked up my symptoms on the internet. This is always a good idea if you are already prone to being anxiety ridden. Look it up, because then you can have a whole new list of things to worry about. So I did. Yep, according to the internet I am anxiety-ridden and likely need to be medicated. Henning doesn’t think I should be medicated; he thinks that would just give me more to worry about.

I’m frustrated with people who say things like: “Just get it done” “Oh Katie life is too short, seriously” or something like “snap out of it”. If it were that easy, I’d be doing that. I’m not an unmotivated person; I’m not a slacker or someone who doesn’t meet their commitments. But I simply can’t get it together this time. I’m going to let people down.

I think I’ve been totally burnt out. I was hoping that after four or five weeks of vacation I might be able to feel uplifted etc. apparently not. Furthermore, I am sitting her with the smell in the kitchen wafting past me and getting really upset that I can’t find the source of the damn stench. I sense a total bleaching in the cards. I just hope I can get motivated to do it.

I confess, I’m a crazy person. Maybe, with the amount of summer vacation left I might get my head on straight and find my inspiration or motivation to get things done.