I’ve stated before that every moment in my life has led me to exactly the point I am now. I would not want to change where I am now. I like it here. Granted, I tend to take the long way or the hard way round to get to my goals, but I eventually do get there. Hopefully, the journey has made all the difference. I know for a fact that I am a better person now than I was in my twenties, and I am definitely better now than I was in my teens. When I say better, I mean that I treat people better and think about my actions before I act...usually.
There are some incarnations of myself in the past that I would rather forget. However there are also aspects of my past self that I would like to recapture. I would like to possess the fearlessness I had when I was a kid. I would like to look at a chain link fence and feel confident about attempting to climb over it, instead of walking around. I wish for the courage to hop a creek. So what if I get wet. It’s like I’ve been conditioned to over-think things now. I would like to be more carefree...I would like to be able to wildly party like I could in my university days. I want to want to party or let loose. Now a reckless evening involves staying up way too late watching a movie, reading a book or playing my video game.
I would not want to revisit some of my less flattering hair experiences. Or my late Goth phase. In retrospect, you don’t start looking funny costuming yourself as a dark minion of evil when you are 26. You (okay I can’t speak for everyone, I) look funny doing it anytime over about 20. I have to give kudos to my parents on that one...they knew it but didn’t say anything. I don’t ever want to be someone who doesn’t value themselves again. I am proud that I learned that you have to demand to be valued by others. I think the most important thing I learned from my past selves was that I have no one to blame for how I’ve been treated by others but myself. One can blame circumstances, other people, other people’s personalities or shortcomings, other people’s flaws...or the ‘natural’ state of something. But the fact remains that it is you who made the decisions that lead you to be treated badly.
That’s not to say that I think that people who have been violently victimized cause their own trauma. But in terms of relationships with friends or lovers, people will treat you at the standard you accept.
This is why often the past can make people angry. Usually one focuses this anger on a person, like an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend. I find this is very true in large social groups. It is easier to be angry with the person who treated you badly. I’m not saying that there isn’t some blame due in that direction if someone has wronged you...but, if they have wronged you repeatedly and you were unable to see that you were selling yourself short...it results in misplaced anger. That anger manifests itself as obsession, gossip, and all sorts of behaviour that in reality is – you treating yourself badly. And that is unforgiveable. Behaving in a way that makes you feel like you are a bad person means that you are not holding yourself to a decent standard of care. I am guilty of this still sometimes.
But my journey the long way round has taught me some important things. I can hold myself to a standard of behaviour, a set of morals that allow me to meet my definition of a good person. I’ve learned that when dealing in financial matters ‘want’ cannot overpower what actually is your financial reality. And, if you let it, you end up in a long term mess. Similarly, if you allow people to take too much of yourself, lend out too many pieces of yourself – it takes a long time to pay yourself back. I guess learning these things has resulted in the cautiousness I practice when faced with a chain link fence or a creek. The fearlessness is tempered with experiences and what you are willing to risk changes. You recognize that although hopping a creek should be easy, you know if you misstep you will have to sit in your wet clothes...and perhaps get a rash. I don’t think I deserve a rash.
There are some incarnations of myself in the past that I would rather forget. However there are also aspects of my past self that I would like to recapture. I would like to possess the fearlessness I had when I was a kid. I would like to look at a chain link fence and feel confident about attempting to climb over it, instead of walking around. I wish for the courage to hop a creek. So what if I get wet. It’s like I’ve been conditioned to over-think things now. I would like to be more carefree...I would like to be able to wildly party like I could in my university days. I want to want to party or let loose. Now a reckless evening involves staying up way too late watching a movie, reading a book or playing my video game.
I would not want to revisit some of my less flattering hair experiences. Or my late Goth phase. In retrospect, you don’t start looking funny costuming yourself as a dark minion of evil when you are 26. You (okay I can’t speak for everyone, I) look funny doing it anytime over about 20. I have to give kudos to my parents on that one...they knew it but didn’t say anything. I don’t ever want to be someone who doesn’t value themselves again. I am proud that I learned that you have to demand to be valued by others. I think the most important thing I learned from my past selves was that I have no one to blame for how I’ve been treated by others but myself. One can blame circumstances, other people, other people’s personalities or shortcomings, other people’s flaws...or the ‘natural’ state of something. But the fact remains that it is you who made the decisions that lead you to be treated badly.
That’s not to say that I think that people who have been violently victimized cause their own trauma. But in terms of relationships with friends or lovers, people will treat you at the standard you accept.
This is why often the past can make people angry. Usually one focuses this anger on a person, like an ex-friend or ex-boyfriend. I find this is very true in large social groups. It is easier to be angry with the person who treated you badly. I’m not saying that there isn’t some blame due in that direction if someone has wronged you...but, if they have wronged you repeatedly and you were unable to see that you were selling yourself short...it results in misplaced anger. That anger manifests itself as obsession, gossip, and all sorts of behaviour that in reality is – you treating yourself badly. And that is unforgiveable. Behaving in a way that makes you feel like you are a bad person means that you are not holding yourself to a decent standard of care. I am guilty of this still sometimes.
But my journey the long way round has taught me some important things. I can hold myself to a standard of behaviour, a set of morals that allow me to meet my definition of a good person. I’ve learned that when dealing in financial matters ‘want’ cannot overpower what actually is your financial reality. And, if you let it, you end up in a long term mess. Similarly, if you allow people to take too much of yourself, lend out too many pieces of yourself – it takes a long time to pay yourself back. I guess learning these things has resulted in the cautiousness I practice when faced with a chain link fence or a creek. The fearlessness is tempered with experiences and what you are willing to risk changes. You recognize that although hopping a creek should be easy, you know if you misstep you will have to sit in your wet clothes...and perhaps get a rash. I don’t think I deserve a rash.
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