I have not dropped off of the face of the planet, I just have not had a recent epiphany that has been worthy of immortalization on the internet. However, I know that I check my reading list several times a day to see if anyone has posted anything interesting. When people are not posting I am almost irritated with them for not contributing to my personal growth or sheer entertainment. So when thinking along those lines I realize that there might be some people out there who are irritated with my failure to communicate and analyse my daily adventures. I can’t promise a great overall theme or thought today, but hey, at least it is something to read.
I went with a friend and her cousins to see a movie last night. Yes it was that horrible pop-culture vampire tripe that every tween is obsessing over. It was a lot better than the first one. And, I have to admit that there were parts of it that were good. However, in the last few hours I have been deconstructing the flick in my head and I think I have a few problems with it. I think this is exactly NOT the story we want our young women reading. I don’t say this because of the over-riding metaphor for sexual awakening, or because the dark supernatural elements offend my religious convictions (ha!) but because it is yet another story that sets our young girls on the wrong pathway about relationships and what a man should be.
If you read this series of books, or watch the films you will see that this teen relationship has a series of problems. It is incredibly intense because of the ‘trouble’ that surrounds this relationship. We are teaching our young girls that a real relationship is dangerous; that these relationships should be impossible in order to be fulfilling. Our girls will expect the dramatic gaze and the strong yet brooding protector. Our girls are being told that relationships should be hard and painful and at the end of it all you will get what you want. The more trouble it is, the better it is, and all you have to do is suffer though the angst and the guessing...and the guy leaving you because he is so...conflicted. Eventually if you suffer long enough the two of you will be together. (Yes I understand that this is a common plot and without these complications there would be no story and therefore no entertainment.)
Men/boys are not like this. Let me tell you that the opposite is true. A relationship that is dangerous is just that...dangerous. A boy/man that treats you badly for any reason...just treats you badly. A person who can’t give you everything you want or need in a relationship is just that. Suffering through it will not result in a fairytale ending. He will not change. If he leaves you...then he doesn’t want to be with you, or he has made the choice for some reason and you deserve better than that. Giant romantic gestures are gestures. They are not always indicative of actual love. Sometimes they are just indicative of someone wanting it to ‘look’ like love. All surface.
Now, to give you all some hope and so that you don’t think I am just jaded and don’t believe in romance I will tell you what the reality of a good relationship is. He is considerate. He is passionate about what he believes in, and he believes that you can do anything. He works with you, supports you in all you do. You are part of a team, not a secondary player in your own life. He brings home a purple fuzzy bunny because you like purple fuzzy things. He levels your WOW character while you are at work. Your relationship is equal parts him and you. He listens and can make breakfast out and a newspaper as romantic as a weekend away or flower petal pathways. I’m not saying that typical romantic gestures are not appreciated ...but they should not be expected – nor should they be overused. You do not NEED him to save you...but it sure is nice that he can carry heavy stuff. You may find yourself breathless with laughter, or love, but you won’t find yourself breathless because of the painful thing he just said. Here is the biggest point people: He is a part of your life, but he does not dominate your entire existence. You are able to be you, to have your interests, friends, likes and dislikes. I always like to think of it like you have two lives that merge well together. I feel like the women or young girls in these books focus so thoroughly on the guy and being with the guy, no matter what the odds, that these girls have nothing else. They are only the girlfriend or love interest of said leading man.
I am the lead in my own life. I am ecstatic to have found in my partner a leading man in his life. I’m glad that we get to be in the same movie together. I am also equally glad we don’t have the complications of vampiric family or werewolf friends with crushes on either of us. To those of you who have figured out the secret to the reality of relationships tell someone. To those who are waiting to find their co-star: Live your life for you, enjoy all you do – be adventurous. People who have the leading role in their own lives are not lonely people. They are fulfilled people. My mother always told me that you find who you are going to be with when you are not looking. It is a struggle to really understand that and stop making the story of your life about searching for someone else. I would suggest that once you have mastered that, the rest just falls into place.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Boxes
It has been awhile since I posted. One could assume that my life has been going fairly smoothly and I have not learned any major life lessons. It seems I only really post here when I have recently had some sort of epiphany. I don’t think I’ve had a major one lately. This might mean that I have somehow overcome a portion of my insanity. I do feel more in control than I have in awhile. Yet I have noticed that the strangest things send me into the beginnings of anxiety. Perhaps this just means that I’m not learning anything and I am in fact at a standstill in terms of personal revelations. Is that good or bad?
I am having this uncontrollable urge to try and keep my house very organized. Of course, I have accepted that I am simply not a neat or minimalist type of person. I can try to keep things organized and neat but I fail miserably every time. I attribute my failure to simply possessing too much stuff. I come by that honestly. My paternal grandmother was a hoarder. I can remember weaving my way through towers of boxed up crap. Anytime we left my grandmother’s house she would give us a bag of candy. Usually it had been around so long that we had never heard of the type of candy it was. As soon as we were out of visible range, my mother would take the candy from us. I figure that saved our lives on several occasions. Anyway, I keep stuff. I don’t keep food. But I keep a lot of things in case I need them. As a teacher, I have many things I ‘might’ need like weird odds and ends or old lessons from when I first started my career. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t use a lot of that material now. Furthermore, I’ve discovered that my skills are honed enough that I don’t need the binders upon binders of materials. I guess after ten years of working in education I’ve got it figured out. So the twenty or so boxes of school stuff I might need in the basement...I might not ever need. But I’m keeping them anyway. Besides they are a marker of change, or an ever-present reminder of my accomplishments. They are artifacts.
I suppose all of the superfluous things I keep do tell a story of sorts. My school materials trace my development and travels in education. I started as an English teacher when I really wanted to be a history teacher. Then I took a wild side trip through music, communications technology, film and finally student success. I’ve discovered some talents I didn’t know I had. Also, I discovered that there are alternative jobs out there that I would also enjoy if I were to ever win the lottery. Film school would be an incredible experience. Other random things I have kept define my love of popular culture of days past. I have a massive Star Wars collection. I have a few valuable pieces but overall most of it is really the stuff you see at flea market tables. Oh incidentally, that person standing there buying the death star pen is me. Add that one to the boxes. I have Rubbermaid containers that house my dolls and stuffed animals from my past. I sometimes think that I keep them for my children. However, I am almost 34 and unmarried (although one could call me common-law). I don’t really see children in my future anymore. So why am I keeping this story of my past?
I find it distressing to think that all this ‘stuff’ defines me. It would mean I really am a product of a materialistic society and I myself would be *gasp* materialistic. I don’t want to be that. But perhaps that is another aspect of who I am that I need to accept.
Most recently an old friend of mine was able to get a job here at the same school I work at. I’m excited to have him here. In this rural isolated area it is nice to have people around who you can hang out with. It is especially cool because this is someone I’ve known for a long time. We are the type of friends that can be out of contact for a long time, but when we do get to talk or hang out, not a lot has changed. We lived together in college and I would say he was one of the first people to define my new “family”. In the last 10 years of my life or so I have met a variety of people who I would define as closer than friends. These are the people who would offer to drive an hour and a half to pick up Henning and then drive him another two and a half hours so that he could be with me during a crisis. These are the people who have offered to help us look after our future children if we have the flu. These are the people who helped me procure a loan so that I didn’t lose my car. They have fed Henning when he was out of work, taught me skills I was lacking and have made us feel secure when we are far away from a safety net. This particular friend has held my hair back when I have had far too much to drink, taken me to the hospital, looked after me when I’ve been ill, and made me laugh when I desperately needed to. I can remember the two of us living on hotdogs, rice and Swiss- chalet sauce.
So of course, because this friend of mine will be living with us for the next few months I am reorganizing and reflecting on old times. This is what has led to the reflection on all the stuff I have boxed up in the basement. I am asking myself, do I really need to keep all of this? But then I think to myself, it isn’t just me who might need it.
I don’t think I have a great revelation to wrap up this entry. I’m sure that I could draw connections between the important things I keep in the basement and the important friends who I may not see all that often, but who I need. I hope that some people have me boxed up in their basement and that when they need to; they open the box and invite me back into life, even if it is just for a little while. I hope that I am a difficult item to give away, or throw out. I hope that I am defined more by whose basements I inhabit then by what material items I keep in mine. I’m not ready to clean out my basement. In fact, I hope to fill it with boxes.
I am having this uncontrollable urge to try and keep my house very organized. Of course, I have accepted that I am simply not a neat or minimalist type of person. I can try to keep things organized and neat but I fail miserably every time. I attribute my failure to simply possessing too much stuff. I come by that honestly. My paternal grandmother was a hoarder. I can remember weaving my way through towers of boxed up crap. Anytime we left my grandmother’s house she would give us a bag of candy. Usually it had been around so long that we had never heard of the type of candy it was. As soon as we were out of visible range, my mother would take the candy from us. I figure that saved our lives on several occasions. Anyway, I keep stuff. I don’t keep food. But I keep a lot of things in case I need them. As a teacher, I have many things I ‘might’ need like weird odds and ends or old lessons from when I first started my career. In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t use a lot of that material now. Furthermore, I’ve discovered that my skills are honed enough that I don’t need the binders upon binders of materials. I guess after ten years of working in education I’ve got it figured out. So the twenty or so boxes of school stuff I might need in the basement...I might not ever need. But I’m keeping them anyway. Besides they are a marker of change, or an ever-present reminder of my accomplishments. They are artifacts.
I suppose all of the superfluous things I keep do tell a story of sorts. My school materials trace my development and travels in education. I started as an English teacher when I really wanted to be a history teacher. Then I took a wild side trip through music, communications technology, film and finally student success. I’ve discovered some talents I didn’t know I had. Also, I discovered that there are alternative jobs out there that I would also enjoy if I were to ever win the lottery. Film school would be an incredible experience. Other random things I have kept define my love of popular culture of days past. I have a massive Star Wars collection. I have a few valuable pieces but overall most of it is really the stuff you see at flea market tables. Oh incidentally, that person standing there buying the death star pen is me. Add that one to the boxes. I have Rubbermaid containers that house my dolls and stuffed animals from my past. I sometimes think that I keep them for my children. However, I am almost 34 and unmarried (although one could call me common-law). I don’t really see children in my future anymore. So why am I keeping this story of my past?
I find it distressing to think that all this ‘stuff’ defines me. It would mean I really am a product of a materialistic society and I myself would be *gasp* materialistic. I don’t want to be that. But perhaps that is another aspect of who I am that I need to accept.
Most recently an old friend of mine was able to get a job here at the same school I work at. I’m excited to have him here. In this rural isolated area it is nice to have people around who you can hang out with. It is especially cool because this is someone I’ve known for a long time. We are the type of friends that can be out of contact for a long time, but when we do get to talk or hang out, not a lot has changed. We lived together in college and I would say he was one of the first people to define my new “family”. In the last 10 years of my life or so I have met a variety of people who I would define as closer than friends. These are the people who would offer to drive an hour and a half to pick up Henning and then drive him another two and a half hours so that he could be with me during a crisis. These are the people who have offered to help us look after our future children if we have the flu. These are the people who helped me procure a loan so that I didn’t lose my car. They have fed Henning when he was out of work, taught me skills I was lacking and have made us feel secure when we are far away from a safety net. This particular friend has held my hair back when I have had far too much to drink, taken me to the hospital, looked after me when I’ve been ill, and made me laugh when I desperately needed to. I can remember the two of us living on hotdogs, rice and Swiss- chalet sauce.
So of course, because this friend of mine will be living with us for the next few months I am reorganizing and reflecting on old times. This is what has led to the reflection on all the stuff I have boxed up in the basement. I am asking myself, do I really need to keep all of this? But then I think to myself, it isn’t just me who might need it.
I don’t think I have a great revelation to wrap up this entry. I’m sure that I could draw connections between the important things I keep in the basement and the important friends who I may not see all that often, but who I need. I hope that some people have me boxed up in their basement and that when they need to; they open the box and invite me back into life, even if it is just for a little while. I hope that I am a difficult item to give away, or throw out. I hope that I am defined more by whose basements I inhabit then by what material items I keep in mine. I’m not ready to clean out my basement. In fact, I hope to fill it with boxes.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm Not What I Seem To Me
I’ve had a strange realization today. All in all I think it is a positive one. I spend a lot of time thinking about the qualities that other people possess that I would like to possess. These qualities could be physical, intelligence related, social or moral. Most of the people in my life possess something that I lack. In many cases I have longed to have some of their qualities.
I might crave the charisma of one of my friends. Her ability to be the centre of attention in any social situation, the way that people are drawn to her is something that I have always wanted. I have one friend who is a complete free spirit. She is brave, travels and always tries new things. The ability to have an adventure is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve had adventures, but not because I’ve decided to have them. I envy those of my friends with fashion sense. I love the strength that many of my friends possess. I love their ability to be witty, to realize opportunity, or to have complete faith in something. The sheer determination of one of my friends astounds me on a regular basis.
I have always spent a lot of time wanting to be other people. I think this is why I love theatre and larp as much as I do. I love the idea of being able to try on some of the aspects that I would sincerely love to possess naturally. I’ve always loved costumes. When I went for my teaching interview I dressed the part of a homely English teacher. I’ve been a rebellious Goth, a studious prep and I’ve even tried to embody the costume of an environmentalist with a guitar. I still am not very good at the guitar. I’ve dressed like Dana Scully from x-files because I wanted to be her. Now I have my eye on Jennifer Carpenter because so many people say I look like her.
What I have realized today is that while I am busy looking at all the attributes that I wish I possessed, someone is looking at me thinking the same thing. There are people who learn from me and consider me to be wise.
This past weekend I discovered that the way I see myself is not the way that other people see me. I see myself as conservative and kind of boring. Other people see me as anything but conservative. In the past week or so I have had several people refer to me as intense. They don’t mean it in the negative way...at least I don’t think they do. I think I can handle intense. And tonight a friend of mine while giving a speech referred to me as someone who she would like to be like. I was astounded. Seriously? There are people who want to be like me.
The next time I have a low self-confidence day I’m going to think about the fact that somewhere out there, someone is thinking that they would like to possess some of the qualities I possess...crazy.
Gosh darn it, people like me.
I might crave the charisma of one of my friends. Her ability to be the centre of attention in any social situation, the way that people are drawn to her is something that I have always wanted. I have one friend who is a complete free spirit. She is brave, travels and always tries new things. The ability to have an adventure is something I’ve always wanted. I’ve had adventures, but not because I’ve decided to have them. I envy those of my friends with fashion sense. I love the strength that many of my friends possess. I love their ability to be witty, to realize opportunity, or to have complete faith in something. The sheer determination of one of my friends astounds me on a regular basis.
I have always spent a lot of time wanting to be other people. I think this is why I love theatre and larp as much as I do. I love the idea of being able to try on some of the aspects that I would sincerely love to possess naturally. I’ve always loved costumes. When I went for my teaching interview I dressed the part of a homely English teacher. I’ve been a rebellious Goth, a studious prep and I’ve even tried to embody the costume of an environmentalist with a guitar. I still am not very good at the guitar. I’ve dressed like Dana Scully from x-files because I wanted to be her. Now I have my eye on Jennifer Carpenter because so many people say I look like her.
What I have realized today is that while I am busy looking at all the attributes that I wish I possessed, someone is looking at me thinking the same thing. There are people who learn from me and consider me to be wise.
This past weekend I discovered that the way I see myself is not the way that other people see me. I see myself as conservative and kind of boring. Other people see me as anything but conservative. In the past week or so I have had several people refer to me as intense. They don’t mean it in the negative way...at least I don’t think they do. I think I can handle intense. And tonight a friend of mine while giving a speech referred to me as someone who she would like to be like. I was astounded. Seriously? There are people who want to be like me.
The next time I have a low self-confidence day I’m going to think about the fact that somewhere out there, someone is thinking that they would like to possess some of the qualities I possess...crazy.
Gosh darn it, people like me.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Excitement and Old Friends
So, the Gods have smiled down upon me. Or Henning and I are very lucky to have a good friend with lots of connections and talent. Henning and I are heading to the Blue skies Music Festival near Sharbot Lake. We have a house sitter and a cat sitter and all is right with the world.
There are several reasons why going to Blue Skies is exciting. I was first introduced to Blue Skies about six or seven years ago. Basically I’ve been attending since Henning and I started dating. So it is kind of one of our ‘things’. Also, our friends Alison and Angie introduced us to the fabulous people who work security at Blue Skies. Then we started volunteering as security backup people. Basically we would cook and keep the security site clean and organized. We would make sure that security people were fed and watered at appropriate intervals. There is constant music, friendly people, interesting people, great conversation and wonderful experiences. It is awesome.
Last year we didn’t get to go because we had an overabundance of weddings and we couldn’t afford to spend money on an expensive weekend. We still can’t. But we really haven’t done anything spectacular this summer and we both love this event. So, not making as large of payments on our credit cards seems worth it. Anyway, many of the people who we love to see, we have not seen in about two years. Sadly, one of our important friends is not able to attend. But we will be able to visit with everyone else. People have gotten engaged and married...people have bought houses...people have moved to different countries or provinces and then come back...people have gone on grand trips. People have changed careers, and added to their families. I am so excited to catch up.
Recently I also discovered that a long lost friend from my childhood will also be at Blue Skies. I feel like it is Christmas I am so excited. I think the last time I saw this woman, we were still under 18. I am somewhat worried that I will not be able to find her. But so far, things have gone really well in the planning and packing for this event so I am going to send out the positive thoughts that I will run into her.
*sigh*. I can’t wait. I am seriously like a kid on Christmas Eve.
There are several reasons why going to Blue Skies is exciting. I was first introduced to Blue Skies about six or seven years ago. Basically I’ve been attending since Henning and I started dating. So it is kind of one of our ‘things’. Also, our friends Alison and Angie introduced us to the fabulous people who work security at Blue Skies. Then we started volunteering as security backup people. Basically we would cook and keep the security site clean and organized. We would make sure that security people were fed and watered at appropriate intervals. There is constant music, friendly people, interesting people, great conversation and wonderful experiences. It is awesome.
Last year we didn’t get to go because we had an overabundance of weddings and we couldn’t afford to spend money on an expensive weekend. We still can’t. But we really haven’t done anything spectacular this summer and we both love this event. So, not making as large of payments on our credit cards seems worth it. Anyway, many of the people who we love to see, we have not seen in about two years. Sadly, one of our important friends is not able to attend. But we will be able to visit with everyone else. People have gotten engaged and married...people have bought houses...people have moved to different countries or provinces and then come back...people have gone on grand trips. People have changed careers, and added to their families. I am so excited to catch up.
Recently I also discovered that a long lost friend from my childhood will also be at Blue Skies. I feel like it is Christmas I am so excited. I think the last time I saw this woman, we were still under 18. I am somewhat worried that I will not be able to find her. But so far, things have gone really well in the planning and packing for this event so I am going to send out the positive thoughts that I will run into her.
*sigh*. I can’t wait. I am seriously like a kid on Christmas Eve.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Empowerment, Illusion and Reality
or: My Money and Me.
First of all I may have broken though my unmotivated funk! Last night I decided to stop worrying about the fact that I have been largely unproductive. I embraced my insomnia, didn’t panic and managed to use the time between 11pm and 3:30am to my advantage. I paid bills and budgeted last night. And, I have been thinking about money ever since. I haven’t been worrying about it. The second I started getting upset by my money I told myself to stop, and look. Everything is getting paid = victory, not a reason to be depressed.
Right now I am watching Gilmore Girls reruns. This is part of my summer afternoon routine. Gilmore Girls followed by Charmed and then I hit the sad and predictable soap opera circuit until Dr. Phil. It is today’s Gilmore Girls episode that has inspired my post today. I noticed that the main characters, Lorelai Gilmore and her Daughter Rory eat take out every single night. In fact, they never cook. They mention that they don’t use the kitchen for anything other than coffee regularly. The thing I am wondering is...how on earth does a single mother who manages a local inn afford to feed herself and her daughter though take-out and local diners for every meal? Not to mention, I love to eat out, but even I find that eating out for every mean over a weekend becomes tiring and I long for something made at little expense in my own kitchen. Sometimes I crave food that is not mass produced by people making a little over minimum wage. I know that media depicts a non-reality. However, this affects me profoundly when I have just recently budgeted.
My friend Evie budgeted me about two years ago and the results were amazing. When I stuck to it I felt free. I had a piece of paper that I kept track of all my spending on. Everything was in categories. It was a challenge. Being competitive by nature, I adore something that challenges me. I love it when I can enter my numbers into the computer and see what is going on. This is why I was so successful using weight watchers online. Their online system of tracking empowers me. Anyway, when Evie budgeted me I was able to pay everything and know I had money left over for debt reduction. I developed a very keen sense of how my money worked and how much I could afford to pay for groceries and eventually I naturally was able to live within my means. It was like training. Training that I had somehow missed while I was at university or when I was working two jobs in high school. I still wonder where all that money went. I didn’t buy a car; I didn’t save it to pay for school. I just spent it randomly, in the name of instant gratification. Until the last three or four years I always had a closet full of crap on sale. Every weekend I went to Kingston I shopped and spent money on things I liked but really didn’t need.
When Henning moved in and then we moved our money situation went into a weird flux. I had to adjust for feeding someone else. Our rent and expenses went up when we moved into the place we are now. I relaxed the grip and figured that it would take a little while for the numbers to solidify so that I could reconfigure the budget. Henning got a job and we lived for awhile under the idea that Henning’s money was the “fun money”. This worked for awhile until Henning’s work slowed and we went about three months without consistent pay. This resulted in us living beyond our means a bit. Now it has been a year. We got a little bit behind and it has taken us two months to catch up. Last night I successfully budgeted us out for the next few months.
The verdict: If I am diligent and stick to my plan I should be able to pay off all debt with the exception of the end of my Canada student loan before April of 2010. I actually look at the budget and wonder how I manage to run out of money each month. What on earth have I been spending money on? My guess is magazines and treats, pop, buying crap at the convenience store. Anyway, the point is, I can be successful at this and then, I could go on a vacation, or buy a house, or a new car. The stress of debt would be gone. I know that it is doable; I just have to see it as a competition.
I often worry about the fact that I haven’t really graduated into my parent’s ideal of adulthood. Although I am proud of aspects of my life there are others where I often feel I have failed miserably. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a bit of a late bloomer. I learn adult style lessons later than I should. However, when I watch television I realize that the ideal is very inaccurate. As an educated person I should already know this. I guess the balance for the unrealistic portrayal of money in a show like Gilmore Girls are shows like Till Debt Do Us Part. I am always astounded at how people get hundreds of thousand dollars in debt not including their mortgage. Then they think it is okay to go further into debt for another trendy vehicle. I don’t understand how people manage to live their lives like that. I would be in a constant state of upset, anxiety and generalized unhappiness. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is...at least I’m not as bad as some of the people I see on TV. Really, I have it under control.
Although, I am often told that control is an illusion. I think I want to keep my current illusion of my empowered reality - At least for today.
First of all I may have broken though my unmotivated funk! Last night I decided to stop worrying about the fact that I have been largely unproductive. I embraced my insomnia, didn’t panic and managed to use the time between 11pm and 3:30am to my advantage. I paid bills and budgeted last night. And, I have been thinking about money ever since. I haven’t been worrying about it. The second I started getting upset by my money I told myself to stop, and look. Everything is getting paid = victory, not a reason to be depressed.
Right now I am watching Gilmore Girls reruns. This is part of my summer afternoon routine. Gilmore Girls followed by Charmed and then I hit the sad and predictable soap opera circuit until Dr. Phil. It is today’s Gilmore Girls episode that has inspired my post today. I noticed that the main characters, Lorelai Gilmore and her Daughter Rory eat take out every single night. In fact, they never cook. They mention that they don’t use the kitchen for anything other than coffee regularly. The thing I am wondering is...how on earth does a single mother who manages a local inn afford to feed herself and her daughter though take-out and local diners for every meal? Not to mention, I love to eat out, but even I find that eating out for every mean over a weekend becomes tiring and I long for something made at little expense in my own kitchen. Sometimes I crave food that is not mass produced by people making a little over minimum wage. I know that media depicts a non-reality. However, this affects me profoundly when I have just recently budgeted.
My friend Evie budgeted me about two years ago and the results were amazing. When I stuck to it I felt free. I had a piece of paper that I kept track of all my spending on. Everything was in categories. It was a challenge. Being competitive by nature, I adore something that challenges me. I love it when I can enter my numbers into the computer and see what is going on. This is why I was so successful using weight watchers online. Their online system of tracking empowers me. Anyway, when Evie budgeted me I was able to pay everything and know I had money left over for debt reduction. I developed a very keen sense of how my money worked and how much I could afford to pay for groceries and eventually I naturally was able to live within my means. It was like training. Training that I had somehow missed while I was at university or when I was working two jobs in high school. I still wonder where all that money went. I didn’t buy a car; I didn’t save it to pay for school. I just spent it randomly, in the name of instant gratification. Until the last three or four years I always had a closet full of crap on sale. Every weekend I went to Kingston I shopped and spent money on things I liked but really didn’t need.
When Henning moved in and then we moved our money situation went into a weird flux. I had to adjust for feeding someone else. Our rent and expenses went up when we moved into the place we are now. I relaxed the grip and figured that it would take a little while for the numbers to solidify so that I could reconfigure the budget. Henning got a job and we lived for awhile under the idea that Henning’s money was the “fun money”. This worked for awhile until Henning’s work slowed and we went about three months without consistent pay. This resulted in us living beyond our means a bit. Now it has been a year. We got a little bit behind and it has taken us two months to catch up. Last night I successfully budgeted us out for the next few months.
The verdict: If I am diligent and stick to my plan I should be able to pay off all debt with the exception of the end of my Canada student loan before April of 2010. I actually look at the budget and wonder how I manage to run out of money each month. What on earth have I been spending money on? My guess is magazines and treats, pop, buying crap at the convenience store. Anyway, the point is, I can be successful at this and then, I could go on a vacation, or buy a house, or a new car. The stress of debt would be gone. I know that it is doable; I just have to see it as a competition.
I often worry about the fact that I haven’t really graduated into my parent’s ideal of adulthood. Although I am proud of aspects of my life there are others where I often feel I have failed miserably. Sometimes I like to think of myself as a bit of a late bloomer. I learn adult style lessons later than I should. However, when I watch television I realize that the ideal is very inaccurate. As an educated person I should already know this. I guess the balance for the unrealistic portrayal of money in a show like Gilmore Girls are shows like Till Debt Do Us Part. I am always astounded at how people get hundreds of thousand dollars in debt not including their mortgage. Then they think it is okay to go further into debt for another trendy vehicle. I don’t understand how people manage to live their lives like that. I would be in a constant state of upset, anxiety and generalized unhappiness. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is...at least I’m not as bad as some of the people I see on TV. Really, I have it under control.
Although, I am often told that control is an illusion. I think I want to keep my current illusion of my empowered reality - At least for today.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Confessions of a Crazy Person
I don’t deal well with stress apparently. But at the same time I think I just do it to myself. Yet I can’t seem to stop. Around October of this past school year I started having bizarre health issues. My eyes get all crazy bloodshot and I get horrendous headaches that last until I sleep a day away, I have strange tight chest, difficult to breathe, heart pounding type of situations. The first time the latter happened I thought maybe it was just worry or anxiety. Apparently this was the right guess. The second time it happened I ended up in the hospital all hooked up to various machines. This resulted in some tests and well, it looks like I don’t have a heart condition but in fact I am an anxiety fiend.
So I have taken some steps to help myself. I have a regular workout routine that I have been sticking with. For awhile I cut out all caffeine and stimulants. I’ve tried eating healthier, yoga etc. However, the fact remains that while on my summer vacation I am still feeling some anxiety.
For example, there are some things I need to do for work. I really need to do them. But I can’t seem to get up off my butt to do it. I sort of spend my day lazing around and thinking about the stuff I have to do, making a plan, and then not doing it. This isn’t just regular laziness either...it’s like a strange mental block. I just can’t do. The longer this goes on, the worse it gets. Every day I get up and think that I will accomplish some of what I have to do. Then I don’t...then I stress, then my heart starts to pound...and I sleep for a good four hours. And I get mean - probably because I feel badly about the fact that I’m not productive.
This is the other recent problem. I don’t sleep well. I can only sleep in three or four hour bursts. And it seems that I can only sleep well during the day. I don’t have a lot of interest in anything. I feel bored, yet there is nothing specific I want to do. I feel apathy, but at the same time wish I didn’t. I get frustrated with not doing anything, yet..I’m not motivated to do anything.
Short of being committed I really don’t see a solution in the near future. Time will continue to pass and I will get more stressed out by the day. I am currently finding it frustrating that the word caffeine is being underlined by my spell check. Yet I think that I have spelled it right. I need to get into the school because of a t-shirt ordering fiasco. And that has me so worried I can’t sleep.
Why do I allow myself to be all stressed out? Why do I procrastinate and make it all worse for myself? Why do I continually need to learn these lessons? Grrr. Usually a list makes me feel better. I make a list and then I can cross things off of it. I feel success then I get some of the things done. But right now, I can’t even bring myself to write a list. There is something smelly in my kitchen and I looked for it. I can’t figure out where it is coming from so I’ve given up. The smell in the kitchen is stressing me out.
I was wondering if I need some sort of medical/institutional intervention so I looked up my symptoms on the internet. This is always a good idea if you are already prone to being anxiety ridden. Look it up, because then you can have a whole new list of things to worry about. So I did. Yep, according to the internet I am anxiety-ridden and likely need to be medicated. Henning doesn’t think I should be medicated; he thinks that would just give me more to worry about.
I’m frustrated with people who say things like: “Just get it done” “Oh Katie life is too short, seriously” or something like “snap out of it”. If it were that easy, I’d be doing that. I’m not an unmotivated person; I’m not a slacker or someone who doesn’t meet their commitments. But I simply can’t get it together this time. I’m going to let people down.
I think I’ve been totally burnt out. I was hoping that after four or five weeks of vacation I might be able to feel uplifted etc. apparently not. Furthermore, I am sitting her with the smell in the kitchen wafting past me and getting really upset that I can’t find the source of the damn stench. I sense a total bleaching in the cards. I just hope I can get motivated to do it.
I confess, I’m a crazy person. Maybe, with the amount of summer vacation left I might get my head on straight and find my inspiration or motivation to get things done.
So I have taken some steps to help myself. I have a regular workout routine that I have been sticking with. For awhile I cut out all caffeine and stimulants. I’ve tried eating healthier, yoga etc. However, the fact remains that while on my summer vacation I am still feeling some anxiety.
For example, there are some things I need to do for work. I really need to do them. But I can’t seem to get up off my butt to do it. I sort of spend my day lazing around and thinking about the stuff I have to do, making a plan, and then not doing it. This isn’t just regular laziness either...it’s like a strange mental block. I just can’t do. The longer this goes on, the worse it gets. Every day I get up and think that I will accomplish some of what I have to do. Then I don’t...then I stress, then my heart starts to pound...and I sleep for a good four hours. And I get mean - probably because I feel badly about the fact that I’m not productive.
This is the other recent problem. I don’t sleep well. I can only sleep in three or four hour bursts. And it seems that I can only sleep well during the day. I don’t have a lot of interest in anything. I feel bored, yet there is nothing specific I want to do. I feel apathy, but at the same time wish I didn’t. I get frustrated with not doing anything, yet..I’m not motivated to do anything.
Short of being committed I really don’t see a solution in the near future. Time will continue to pass and I will get more stressed out by the day. I am currently finding it frustrating that the word caffeine is being underlined by my spell check. Yet I think that I have spelled it right. I need to get into the school because of a t-shirt ordering fiasco. And that has me so worried I can’t sleep.
Why do I allow myself to be all stressed out? Why do I procrastinate and make it all worse for myself? Why do I continually need to learn these lessons? Grrr. Usually a list makes me feel better. I make a list and then I can cross things off of it. I feel success then I get some of the things done. But right now, I can’t even bring myself to write a list. There is something smelly in my kitchen and I looked for it. I can’t figure out where it is coming from so I’ve given up. The smell in the kitchen is stressing me out.
I was wondering if I need some sort of medical/institutional intervention so I looked up my symptoms on the internet. This is always a good idea if you are already prone to being anxiety ridden. Look it up, because then you can have a whole new list of things to worry about. So I did. Yep, according to the internet I am anxiety-ridden and likely need to be medicated. Henning doesn’t think I should be medicated; he thinks that would just give me more to worry about.
I’m frustrated with people who say things like: “Just get it done” “Oh Katie life is too short, seriously” or something like “snap out of it”. If it were that easy, I’d be doing that. I’m not an unmotivated person; I’m not a slacker or someone who doesn’t meet their commitments. But I simply can’t get it together this time. I’m going to let people down.
I think I’ve been totally burnt out. I was hoping that after four or five weeks of vacation I might be able to feel uplifted etc. apparently not. Furthermore, I am sitting her with the smell in the kitchen wafting past me and getting really upset that I can’t find the source of the damn stench. I sense a total bleaching in the cards. I just hope I can get motivated to do it.
I confess, I’m a crazy person. Maybe, with the amount of summer vacation left I might get my head on straight and find my inspiration or motivation to get things done.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Crap
So, I haven’t written in awhile. I have realized that sometimes I just don’t have anything interesting or inspiring to ponder. I would love to be one of those people who can blog every day and have something significant to contribute to the world but alas, I understand my limitations. That’s not meant to be depressing or self-deprecating. I might just be going through a mid-life crisis. Today I am reflecting on a myriad of topics. I’m actually not sure that I can pull them together into a sort of engaging epiphany that is my usual style of blog. Ah well. Perhaps today I am just not at my best.
I think the first thing that I am pondering is that I only have so many topics that I think about and that I need to express in order to work through. Honestly, if you have read my blog at all, you pretty much have the sum total of what I think about on a regular basis. Well, excluding current pop culture and Star Wars analysis – but no one really wants to read about that. So really, the total of my thoughts can be summed up rather simply:
1. How can I improve my physical appearance, or accept what I’ve got?
2. Money Sucks and by extension so does everything that costs me money.
3. Talking myself into believing that I am above my past history.
Throw in a few references to education and rants about bureaucracy and you have the total of what I think about. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some ways it makes me feel a bit shallow or at the very least a bit boring.
I visited a web site today during my dull vacation (see 2). It was called Right To Play (http://www.righttoplay.com/site/PageServer) Anyway, it is a neat organization that tries to help developing nations with difficulties such as HIV/AIDs and education through the use of sport. Evidently there are many Olympic athletes involved with this charity. One can volunteer to work with this organization. It looked really cool. Anyway, I mention this because I’m interested even though I am not into a specific sport. However, recently I have longed to be an athlete (see 1). I just thought this site was really cool and I’ve been thinking all day about a way to incorporate it into some of the things I teach. For example, with the push for character education initiatives surely getting the school involved with a group such as this would be exciting. I think though that I am a bit jaded because when I think of all the red-tape involved with getting involved with an organization such as this...(insert rant about bureaucracy here) Ah well, check it out.
Another focus I have had lately is The 30 Day Shred. Here is someone else who describes it well (http://ashisfit.blogspot.com/2008/07/30-day-shred-review.html). If you search around on the internet you can find some before and after pictures that demonstrate that this video really works. I can tell you that it is killer, but that it is a fantastic workout. You actually do see results fairly quickly. However, it is not for those who want results with little effort. This baby is something you have to be ready to do. You will hurt and you will seriously sweat. You can’t do it half-assed. I love it. Seriously. And I loathe working out, but this makes me feel powerful. Hey, I’m all about the praise and the challenge. If you are competitive like me you will find that this video makes you want to prove you can do it. In about 15-20 days or so I may have the courage to post my before and after pictures.
This is one of my more unfocussed posts. However, I recently found out that my Dad has to go in for more heart tests and procedures at the end of August. This stresses me out significantly. I’m trying desperately to cope better with stress but lately, even though I am on vacation I am not dealing with these things well. Between worry about that and the concern about the work I have to do before school starts I am starting to feel ill. I am also going to miss important parts of the week before school starts because I am going to accompany my family to these tests. I am not complaining about being there for my Mom and Dad when they need me, not at all. That is what I have to do. Let’s face it if I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t accomplish much those days anyway, because I’d be worried. I just have to be prepared to accept that there are things that I am not going to be able to participate in or complete during the week before school. I need to not feel personally responsible for that. Life and family comes before my job...and I can’t ,or rather, shouldn’t feel badly when important things in my life mean that I can’t complete /participate in things at work in a perfect way. However, just thinking about that gets my heart-rate up and I start to feel the beginnings of anxiety. Obviously, I need better coping skills.
For my last unfocussed moment, I just watched a home alarm system commercial. Talk about fear inducing. There is a home, and expensive home in a nice neighbourhood somewhere in the states. This home looks like something that only a high-powered executive could afford, or a dual – income family where both breadwinners are doctors. It is obviously landscaped by a gardener. The husband leaves for work and sets the home alarm. A suspicious looking guy dressed in a black workout suit, with a buzz type haircut waits outside for the husband to leave. Once the husband has done so and the Stepford wife and her perfectly coiffed daughter have a quiet moment, the suspicious criminal kicks down the door and the alarm goes off. Thanks to the alarm the mother and daughter can run up the stairs to answer the phone and tell the alarm company what has just happened. The criminal is scared away by the loud noises and all is well. I wonder how often this happens. Talk about selling fear. I won’t even get into the underlying messages in this commercial. Oh okay I will. How about the fact that in this upper class neighbourhood even the criminals are white males who are athletic and well coiffed? How about the fact that the people living in this home definitely fit the rich suburban white stereotype? People who make less money and who live in smaller, more modest homes are not at risk for home invasion by the way. Interestingly enough people who are not white who live in this area are not at risk for home invasion either. Oh, and by the way, apparently this alarm system will contribute to your family being well adjusted and happy...no yelling at the breakfast table. Furthermore, this is an American company. Why would you need an alarm system...don’t they all own guns to protect their property? (Bad, bad blogger and Michael Moore fan.)
Do you see what 1, 2, and 3 has led to?
I think the first thing that I am pondering is that I only have so many topics that I think about and that I need to express in order to work through. Honestly, if you have read my blog at all, you pretty much have the sum total of what I think about on a regular basis. Well, excluding current pop culture and Star Wars analysis – but no one really wants to read about that. So really, the total of my thoughts can be summed up rather simply:
1. How can I improve my physical appearance, or accept what I’ve got?
2. Money Sucks and by extension so does everything that costs me money.
3. Talking myself into believing that I am above my past history.
Throw in a few references to education and rants about bureaucracy and you have the total of what I think about. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some ways it makes me feel a bit shallow or at the very least a bit boring.
I visited a web site today during my dull vacation (see 2). It was called Right To Play (http://www.righttoplay.com/site/PageServer) Anyway, it is a neat organization that tries to help developing nations with difficulties such as HIV/AIDs and education through the use of sport. Evidently there are many Olympic athletes involved with this charity. One can volunteer to work with this organization. It looked really cool. Anyway, I mention this because I’m interested even though I am not into a specific sport. However, recently I have longed to be an athlete (see 1). I just thought this site was really cool and I’ve been thinking all day about a way to incorporate it into some of the things I teach. For example, with the push for character education initiatives surely getting the school involved with a group such as this would be exciting. I think though that I am a bit jaded because when I think of all the red-tape involved with getting involved with an organization such as this...(insert rant about bureaucracy here) Ah well, check it out.
Another focus I have had lately is The 30 Day Shred. Here is someone else who describes it well (http://ashisfit.blogspot.com/2008/07/30-day-shred-review.html). If you search around on the internet you can find some before and after pictures that demonstrate that this video really works. I can tell you that it is killer, but that it is a fantastic workout. You actually do see results fairly quickly. However, it is not for those who want results with little effort. This baby is something you have to be ready to do. You will hurt and you will seriously sweat. You can’t do it half-assed. I love it. Seriously. And I loathe working out, but this makes me feel powerful. Hey, I’m all about the praise and the challenge. If you are competitive like me you will find that this video makes you want to prove you can do it. In about 15-20 days or so I may have the courage to post my before and after pictures.
This is one of my more unfocussed posts. However, I recently found out that my Dad has to go in for more heart tests and procedures at the end of August. This stresses me out significantly. I’m trying desperately to cope better with stress but lately, even though I am on vacation I am not dealing with these things well. Between worry about that and the concern about the work I have to do before school starts I am starting to feel ill. I am also going to miss important parts of the week before school starts because I am going to accompany my family to these tests. I am not complaining about being there for my Mom and Dad when they need me, not at all. That is what I have to do. Let’s face it if I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t accomplish much those days anyway, because I’d be worried. I just have to be prepared to accept that there are things that I am not going to be able to participate in or complete during the week before school. I need to not feel personally responsible for that. Life and family comes before my job...and I can’t ,or rather, shouldn’t feel badly when important things in my life mean that I can’t complete /participate in things at work in a perfect way. However, just thinking about that gets my heart-rate up and I start to feel the beginnings of anxiety. Obviously, I need better coping skills.
For my last unfocussed moment, I just watched a home alarm system commercial. Talk about fear inducing. There is a home, and expensive home in a nice neighbourhood somewhere in the states. This home looks like something that only a high-powered executive could afford, or a dual – income family where both breadwinners are doctors. It is obviously landscaped by a gardener. The husband leaves for work and sets the home alarm. A suspicious looking guy dressed in a black workout suit, with a buzz type haircut waits outside for the husband to leave. Once the husband has done so and the Stepford wife and her perfectly coiffed daughter have a quiet moment, the suspicious criminal kicks down the door and the alarm goes off. Thanks to the alarm the mother and daughter can run up the stairs to answer the phone and tell the alarm company what has just happened. The criminal is scared away by the loud noises and all is well. I wonder how often this happens. Talk about selling fear. I won’t even get into the underlying messages in this commercial. Oh okay I will. How about the fact that in this upper class neighbourhood even the criminals are white males who are athletic and well coiffed? How about the fact that the people living in this home definitely fit the rich suburban white stereotype? People who make less money and who live in smaller, more modest homes are not at risk for home invasion by the way. Interestingly enough people who are not white who live in this area are not at risk for home invasion either. Oh, and by the way, apparently this alarm system will contribute to your family being well adjusted and happy...no yelling at the breakfast table. Furthermore, this is an American company. Why would you need an alarm system...don’t they all own guns to protect their property? (Bad, bad blogger and Michael Moore fan.)
Do you see what 1, 2, and 3 has led to?
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